What does it feel like to grieve during the holidays?
My experience of holiday day grief …
It feels over whelming and painful, like it does when your head goes under a wave and the pressure coming down on you smashes your face into the sand and you loose all orientation of your surroundings and fail to take a relieving breath. It engulfs your entire being filling you with loneliness and despair that is indescribable, linguistics fail in every moment. There is no explanation or thought coherent enough to provide understanding. No comfort. No relief. No reprieve. Nothing liberates you from the difficult sensations permeating your very existence. You are left with nothing other than pain. This pain cuts to the depth of your soul that has been torn, shredded, and frayed beyond recognition.
Pretty awful huh! Yup, it hurts.
- What is a person to do?
- How do we move through this pain?
- Where is the relief?
- Who do we turn to?
- Why would you even want to?
In the coming days I will be addressing each of these questions from my personal perspective, and experience. This is a journey that I did not choose, it was forced upon me and now it is my responsibility to make a choice. How will I handle this? I am not asking for advice nor understanding, all I ask for is witness to my pain and healing as I grow and develop into who God would have me be.
The emotion I feel right now engulfs me,
cascading anger, fear, doubt and loneliness
I fear the unthinkable and dread the tomorrow
Just another day of Tormenting resolute, tenacious torture
Stripping me of the very thing I hold dearest to my heart
My love, my endearing mate,
Who in times of uncertainty and qualm Has always been my stronghold.
My flesh My Sin transgressions revealed,
mirroring my trust in man And Lack in God,
My Maker, My Creator, My Author,
The inventor of everything,
The architect of my desires and wants
The originator of everything good
My Most Awesome God
Knows the anguish of my soul
The over whelming darkness That sweeps the ground beneath me
Knocking me back to plummet through the pit of despair.
Though even in darkness I see His light
So tenderly caressing me
Yearning, longing to pull me forward
Never ceasing never forsaking. His perfect light.
Light of love casting out all fear pushing away the darkness
Waterfalls of light Surround me
My Lord my God is near
HE saves me out of my agony
restoring my spirit
My broken heart made new.
So many lessons so much to grasp
So little comprehension
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Knowledge and understanding
I cry for discernment I lift my voice for understanding
The Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth flows knowledge and understanding
But he said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christs power may rest on me. That’s why for Christs sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties
FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, I AM MADE STRONG!
Father God, I come before you heavy in heart, my entire being is overwhelmed with sorrow. I lift the families up before you that are involved in this tragedy, please bring comfort and peace, hold the children involved close and make yourself known to these babes. Please prompt and move your people to aide and assist in the areas in which these families will have the greatest needs, not only today but in the days to come. Bring them support! Father I thank you that I do not have to lean on my understanding, I trust in you and your grace. Please make your grace evident to all who are involved, surround us in your unceasing love. Give the dads the ability to have strength, endurance, and, perseverance, creating among them hope! Help them to lead their families through this in honor and glory, give them understanding into who you are shaping them and molding them into conquers for Christ, moving their families forward in faith. I pray for my sister in Christ who is currently in surgery, guide the doctors hands make them steady and fast. Please bring a new strength to the doctor working on my sister give him clarity of thought, and prompt his support staff to be extra attentive creating an environment where effective medical treatment can take place. Thank you for modern medicine and the miracles that happen within this realm! I pray for the nurses who will be attending to her care and needs following surgery, fill them with compassion and love for the families. God my heart is filled with gratitude as I sit in your presence! Thank you for hearing my plea!
In Jesus Name Amen!
Below are a couple links to articles with information on the accident.
So I am new to this whole blogging thing, not entirely sure of what I expect or why I am even embarking on such an endeavor. I suppose that I image it will be a way of processing life at hand. A way to share my joys and sorrows as I move through the journey we call life. “Life Worth Living” my chosen title, inspired by the most incredible man I know, my Husband! We have been experiencing the most amazing adventure together, our marriage is something that I cherish deeply. He has been an amazing example to me and LIFE is worth living, it’s a gift, and our choices we make today do change our tomorrow.
What makes your life worth living?